holidays and school mix well?!?

so i haven't posted in a while not that it would matter since i think nobody read this and its just become a vent blog for myself..... anyways. So lately i have been missing classes and not going to school other things came up or i was just too damn pissed off at the world to care about anything else. so now i owe my school 500$ for hours i didn't attend, and i may or may not graduate. i have a chance of termination and or failing in total. YAY not to mention next week is the Christmas holiday and my whole family is coming and i get to tell them how i failed at school and how i just fail at life in general. oh did i mention i have a b/f now that my mother HATES! yeah that's an added bonus. 19 years old cant date who i want and have my mom up my ass about everything i fall on. so im not perfect i dont have to be! god dammit i hate being controlled by my mom. yeah she gives me money while im in school i understand but at the same time im legally an adult and dont need to have set rules. it just is an unbalance to me i see. i cant find where i am as a child or an adult im torn there's no defined line. any ways

so next week its Christmas and all the money and presents i get will be going towards me graduating school on time. YEP i may have to return my presents to get money that i need to pay for school WOW thats real depressing!!! FML (FUCK MY LIFE)

yeah i know i got myself into this and i have to get myself out and shit, i just don't know if i wanna be a hairdresser anymore. i tell my mother this and she gets all pissy cause i still dont knwo what i wanna do at all. it snot like i dont have skills. I do, just nothing that i love! and the only things i love is photography and its hard to make a career out of that as my mom put it and that i would rather put myself towards something that i can actually make an income on. GREAT!! crushing my dream and my love so that i cant find anything else pleasurable. now some of these thing she may not say right off but in my ears that the way i hear them there for the way I perseve her comments (yeah i cant spell..)

anyways now the b/f situation, well hes an interesting character. although i like and all that good stuff there are things that i do not like that he does. he annoys me with his persistent video game playing. now i have dated men who have played video games b4 no biggie but for this guy its an addiction! i have no idea what to do. i mean hes a great guy funny i like hanging out with him when hes not near a computer! but then he doesnt always call me (hes in CT) he also doesnt haveva job currently. its just a very weird circumstance for this relationship. but at the same time its the only thing thats keeping me happy or should i say balanced in the reality world. i have no idea where my life is heading these days. i haven't looked for a job yet ( i should get on that huh?) i am still acting like this is my summer cause i dont have school all the time. (6 days a week now tho). i cant find any joy in anything i do. and it kills me!

I dont blame my mom for any of this, you have to understand i love my mother because she gives me opportunities in the world and let me see the world! i could never thank her enough for that.
i blame myself, Ive never been happy im always worried and i take my meds but they make me feel no pain and no happiness weather so i stop, i self medicate sometimes just to take the edge off and its been good until it got me in trouble, and now i have no way to cope with my sadness fear anxiety or anything else i feel that hurts.

Im done venting for tonight, maybe il actually get to sleep soundly.....shoudl i stay optimistic?

rainy weekends

So this past weekend made my week to say the least. Last week at school was super busy started my home stretch class called gamma, so I'm 2 months from graduation. The first week was crazy with clients and demo's from teachers. So when rainy saturday came I was happy to walk home in it. I love the rain so much. So I fell asleep really fast. Woke up sunday at about 12 pm and realized I had to get supplies, but it was raining so I decided to work on school work and then see some friends at the corner bar. The football games were on everybosy was there. Its a social thing but the rain made it better. Went home late because the bar tenders band was playing at 7 so I stayed to watch them play it was his birthday, on monday. So today I woke up late again at about 1pm. Its my weekend I deserve to rest after a week of being with 35 older women. So I did some more school work in bed watched tv got some food, and rested I ran some laundry over to the dry cleaners, played with my kitty, who has surprisingly mellowed out. And then watched tv and napped with my kitty. Emailed my mom, and not I miss my mommy I don't see her much or my grandma. This weekend was great, sadly tomorrow I have school again and my week begins with 25 older hormonal women and 1 gay man. Oh the irony I here all day in conversations could be made into books. My cat just jumped in my lap. I guess its time for golden girls and sleep. ( I always end with golden girls, it kinda prepares me for tuesdays). Tomorrow will be interesting and a mad dash for saturday to come. Good night.

5 months in and 4 months to go

In the past couple months, I've been working really hard trying to pass my classes and test meet all the teachers requirements as well as work on cutting hair consultation and have happy clients and good blends. Phhew!! Now I'm half way through my classes, and soon getting a new roomate and on a budget . I've grown up a lot I clean now and almost feel like my mom. The other day I was yelling at my boy friend to put his dishes in the dishwasher. Hahaha I never thought at the age of 19 I would ever say that. TO MY BOYFRIEND!! It was soo silly. I find myself repairing things around my place and just being like a little mom with my kid being my cat! I've also had to balance the relationship and school as well as my family. But I've been so lucky with a great boyfriend who's sweet and so understanding. A mother who is always willing to help me. And my kitty to keep me company when I'm home alone he's the best thing to have around.


I'm trying to get back into hobbies like photography and get a yoga membership. Its in the works. As well as getting a job but I have a good idea on that.


I'm excited to see what's next for me in the big city and in the work world. The options are endless and I'm willing to try them all if I haven't already!!!

a ways to go

Well, its 8 am and I'm at mt school....my ipod is playing "it was faith" well, I think its fitting fot my situation right now? NO. I'm in my school and just listening to my ipod to pass the time. Some part of me wants to just scream and hope they all leave. Ya know like that witch creature that shreeks and makes you go deef? Hahaha that's what I want to happen. On the other end, kippy is growing up! He's growing into his ears. And yesterday he slept part of the night in my tub!


I was looking at my africa pictures the other day, I wanted to get on a plane and fly back home. It was my home. Its been taken from me..

awa

midnight thoughts in NY

Its the second night in my new place!! Yay I feel so independent so free. And then I'm reminded that I'm not there yet. I don't pay my own bills I don't have a steady source of income I'm not in school yet. What am I really doing? I decided to just sit on my fire escape and watch people, have lives know people enjoying themselves. And I wish it was me. I want to go out have fun and meet people. I tried today in fact. As I was walking around and getting food. I talk to people but nothing major met some neighbors in my building seem normal. Or as normal as you can be in NYC without killing a person. Met a guy is really nice, so I'm just enjoying things as they come. And soon hopefully I can be that girl with a good friends and not druggies like I had b4. NYC is my new home, I don't want to regret my move here or having my mother shovel money out to help me. There are so many other paths I could have gone. I just hope I can stick to this one for a while.

The Holidays At Home..

I spent the holidays in the states, it felt weird. having my family around. I was missing Africa a lot, i keep in touch with them and check on how the kids are and what is going on at the school occasionally but it is hard because internet is hard to come by for the cost and all. I miss my Swahili lessons from my little 10 year old brother.

these past weeks i have been just kind of down because when i look out my window i see snow and not a banana tree or wild dogs running around or hear a rooster and sheep in the early hours. Just snow and cold weather reports. I have no more long walks around my village talking to others or playing with the wild dogs. No more family movie nights or football games to watch wiht my father.

No more father around. it kind of puts things in perspective of having a single mother and kind of being an only child these days.

I have two domesticated pets not the wild dogs that would take me into there pack and follow me to and from school or just play around while i picked fleas off another.

I had family, a father a mother two brothers and a sister. i now have 1 cat 1 dog a mother and a older sister living half way round the world. i have alot on my mind around the holidays as it is so having this on top makes things a little crazy. But with the new year i want to stay in touch with my family in Africa. I wish them all well