so i haven't posted in a while not that it would matter since i think nobody read this and its just become a vent blog for myself..... anyways. So lately i have been missing classes and not going to school other things came up or i was just too damn pissed off at the world to care about anything else. so now i owe my school 500$ for hours i didn't attend, and i may or may not graduate. i have a chance of termination and or failing in total. YAY not to mention next week is the Christmas holiday and my whole family is coming and i get to tell them how i failed at school and how i just fail at life in general. oh did i mention i have a b/f now that my mother HATES! yeah that's an added bonus. 19 years old cant date who i want and have my mom up my ass about everything i fall on. so im not perfect i dont have to be! god dammit i hate being controlled by my mom. yeah she gives me money while im in school i understand but at the same time im legally an adult and dont need to have set rules. it just is an unbalance to me i see. i cant find where i am as a child or an adult im torn there's no defined line. any ways
so next week its Christmas and all the money and presents i get will be going towards me graduating school on time. YEP i may have to return my presents to get money that i need to pay for school WOW thats real depressing!!! FML (FUCK MY LIFE)
yeah i know i got myself into this and i have to get myself out and shit, i just don't know if i wanna be a hairdresser anymore. i tell my mother this and she gets all pissy cause i still dont knwo what i wanna do at all. it snot like i dont have skills. I do, just nothing that i love! and the only things i love is photography and its hard to make a career out of that as my mom put it and that i would rather put myself towards something that i can actually make an income on. GREAT!! crushing my dream and my love so that i cant find anything else pleasurable. now some of these thing she may not say right off but in my ears that the way i hear them there for the way I perseve her comments (yeah i cant spell..)
anyways now the b/f situation, well hes an interesting character. although i like and all that good stuff there are things that i do not like that he does. he annoys me with his persistent video game playing. now i have dated men who have played video games b4 no biggie but for this guy its an addiction! i have no idea what to do. i mean hes a great guy funny i like hanging out with him when hes not near a computer! but then he doesnt always call me (hes in CT) he also doesnt haveva job currently. its just a very weird circumstance for this relationship. but at the same time its the only thing thats keeping me happy or should i say balanced in the reality world. i have no idea where my life is heading these days. i haven't looked for a job yet ( i should get on that huh?) i am still acting like this is my summer cause i dont have school all the time. (6 days a week now tho). i cant find any joy in anything i do. and it kills me!
I dont blame my mom for any of this, you have to understand i love my mother because she gives me opportunities in the world and let me see the world! i could never thank her enough for that.
i blame myself, Ive never been happy im always worried and i take my meds but they make me feel no pain and no happiness weather so i stop, i self medicate sometimes just to take the edge off and its been good until it got me in trouble, and now i have no way to cope with my sadness fear anxiety or anything else i feel that hurts.
Im done venting for tonight, maybe il actually get to sleep soundly.....shoudl i stay optimistic?
