I don't know is anybody really read this anymore, and im ok with that. If there is done person, meh i hope it helps. This started out to be a blog about how my life was changing and all the crazy things that were going on, and now it has kind of turned out to be just a blog about nothing. The nothing that happens in my life apparently. i try to make friends here and i have maybe a handful of them. now im not a person who wants to be swarmed with people. but i would like to be able to have people i can call up and say "hey what are you up to tonight wanna watch a movie or eat pizza?" or be able to call a girl friend up and get coffee with just to talk about girl issues, 'cause lets face it no guy really wants to hear about how a guy hurt you or how you can't ever find good clothes. But none of this has happened, i know it will not happen over night and i never expect it to. but i am working on trying to find those few people who i can really connect with and feel the most comfortable with to ask those things. Maybe this sounds really odd, but when one does find those friends and would like to have time together, does it come off that you are asking them on a date? yes you read that right, i mean come on think about it, you are asking a girl to get coffee seems simple enough but i find it hard because i always think oh she may think i'm asking her on a weird date thing. and maybe that is what it all is, a girl date... uhg that just sounds weird....this is making me not want to ask others for coffee now.
ok back on topic. when it comes to making friends, really true friendships that are going to last your adult life, where do you start. I have some really amazing friends don't get me wrong but none of them live near me. ok take this for an example, this past weekend my oldest friend from 8th grade graduated college on saturday! i was so proud of him i nearly cried, so after the ceremony and seeing his family i went back to his apartment where all his friends were and was starting to talk to some of them, first thing i noticed none of them asked me my name....umm manners much...next thing, they were all telling stories of their college experiences or how they had partied too hard one day and barfed in a car. and so on, they all seemed like normal college kid stories...but then i thought, well i'm in college and i have had none of these types of stories or well, i haven't had any friend that i could banter back and forth like this and not feel judged.....was i going through college the wrong way? maybe i was over thinking it and still am, his friend continued that night to get drunk and dance and be normal kids, and yet i felt out of place. i was happy for him don't get me wrong, and i wanted him to have a great time, but feeling out of place is not a fun feeling. so i snuck out and left. he called me later thanking me for being there, i told him i was proud of him and sorry i had to slip out but i wasn't feeling comfortable and needed to get home and clear my head. which is all true, but i couldn't ell him that ti was feeling old and that i was a little ticked that he slipped off away and left me with strangers who couldn't ask me my name or ask me how i knew him or anything other than, need a beer or how drunk do i look....
So i come back to the small town they call a city, and i come home to my animals who are so happy to see me, and i start to get really sad i run to my dog hug her and cry it was the worst feeling ever, i was in my home but i didn't feel secure or happy...i had nobody to call and talk to, one because it was late and two because they all had jobs and needed to be up early so i didn't want to disturb them and i high doubt any of them would answer me. these were the people that i called friends...
social standards for girls seems to be that we have to have a group of girls around us at all times...and that we need to be the best of friends and have each others backs no matter what. i see this at bars and at malls and when girls ar eon the phones i hear it. but what do you do when you have no girls around and the one friends you have, are having lives of their own with real jobs and you are the only one stuck back in college and have no college friends either...
this is my situation, like i said maybe i am going about this all wrong and i may be a really socially awkward person and just don't know it yet, or maybe i do know it and just can not get past my own picky ideas of what friends should be. Am i as a girl suppose to have girl friends or is it ok that i have mostly guy friends and the ones i have just be there and not really close...
I find myself trying to make new ones friends that is and the only way i know how is to go out i mean school is over a lot of the kids in my classes didn't live in the town or they would be out fishing which i have yet to learn, or on a boat. lucky! i mean they were in my class and we talked but i never learned their names...MY BAD! people tell me i can be too mature at times, i always thought it was a good trait to have, but some times i wonder if this one trait is making it harder for me to be a normal 20 something kid in school and not like a mother hen worrying about drunk driving or drug abuse. I hear my friends tell me about what they did at their college all the crazy red cup drinking games they played and i want to be abel to enjoy those too but then i have this voice in the back of my head saying "why do you want to act like a child?" i mean really!! why not! it seems fun! im worried i lost how to have fun and cant find it or am going to be a 30 year old lady one day say "kids be quiet" to peers of my own age.
i said this in the beginning, i dont really know if anybody reads this at all. But if by chance you do. i have a question? am i thinking illogical? or am i being too childish for my own good?
