past to the present

in the sixties we broadcasted the war in Vietnam but today we don't, why because we think its not civil for families to see hat their sons are doing. is this a better idea today or a step backward in not letting our own generation see what a real was is>? not that we are in one anymore. I ask this because not so long ago we would show or record fro families to see what an individual was doing, now we have so many vast ways to have access to ones being... I may be drinking, and i may be drunk already, but my mind is open to the one thing that many do not have access too...the underlining meaning of reality.. Friends: what makes a good friend?? what do you see?

Graduation reflection? or over thinking reality?

I don't know is anybody really read this anymore, and im ok with that. If there is done person, meh i hope it helps. This started out to be a blog about how my life was changing and all the crazy things that were going on, and now it has kind of turned out to be just a blog about nothing. The nothing that happens in my life apparently. i try to make friends here and i have maybe a handful of them. now im not a person who wants to be swarmed with people. but i would like to be able to have people i can call up and say "hey what are you up to tonight wanna watch a movie or eat pizza?" or be able to call a girl friend up and get coffee with just to talk about girl issues, 'cause lets face it no guy really wants to hear about how a guy hurt you or how you can't ever find good clothes. But none of this has happened, i know it will not happen over night and i never expect it to. but i am working on trying to find those few people who i can really connect with and feel the most comfortable with to ask those things. Maybe this sounds really odd, but when one does find those friends and would like to have time together, does it come off that you are asking them on a date? yes you read that right, i mean come on think about it, you are asking a girl to get coffee seems simple enough but i find it hard because i always think oh she may think i'm asking her on a weird date thing. and maybe that is what it all is, a girl date... uhg that just sounds weird....this is making me not want to ask others for coffee now. ok back on topic. when it comes to making friends, really true friendships that are going to last your adult life, where do you start. I have some really amazing friends don't get me wrong but none of them live near me. ok take this for an example, this past weekend my oldest friend from 8th grade graduated college on saturday! i was so proud of him i nearly cried, so after the ceremony and seeing his family i went back to his apartment where all his friends were and was starting to talk to some of them, first thing i noticed none of them asked me my name....umm manners much...next thing, they were all telling stories of their college experiences or how they had partied too hard one day and barfed in a car. and so on, they all seemed like normal college kid stories...but then i thought, well i'm in college and i have had none of these types of stories or well, i haven't had any friend that i could banter back and forth like this and not feel judged.....was i going through college the wrong way? maybe i was over thinking it and still am, his friend continued that night to get drunk and dance and be normal kids, and yet i felt out of place. i was happy for him don't get me wrong, and i wanted him to have a great time, but feeling out of place is not a fun feeling. so i snuck out and left. he called me later thanking me for being there, i told him i was proud of him and sorry i had to slip out but i wasn't feeling comfortable and needed to get home and clear my head. which is all true, but i couldn't ell him that ti was feeling old and that i was a little ticked that he slipped off away and left me with strangers who couldn't ask me my name or ask me how i knew him or anything other than, need a beer or how drunk do i look.... So i come back to the small town they call a city, and i come home to my animals who are so happy to see me, and i start to get really sad i run to my dog hug her and cry it was the worst feeling ever, i was in my home but i didn't feel secure or happy...i had nobody to call and talk to, one because it was late and two because they all had jobs and needed to be up early so i didn't want to disturb them and i high doubt any of them would answer me. these were the people that i called friends... social standards for girls seems to be that we have to have a group of girls around us at all times...and that we need to be the best of friends and have each others backs no matter what. i see this at bars and at malls and when girls ar eon the phones i hear it. but what do you do when you have no girls around and the one friends you have, are having lives of their own with real jobs and you are the only one stuck back in college and have no college friends either... this is my situation, like i said maybe i am going about this all wrong and i may be a really socially awkward person and just don't know it yet, or maybe i do know it and just can not get past my own picky ideas of what friends should be. Am i as a girl suppose to have girl friends or is it ok that i have mostly guy friends and the ones i have just be there and not really close... I find myself trying to make new ones friends that is and the only way i know how is to go out i mean school is over a lot of the kids in my classes didn't live in the town or they would be out fishing which i have yet to learn, or on a boat. lucky! i mean they were in my class and we talked but i never learned their names...MY BAD! people tell me i can be too mature at times, i always thought it was a good trait to have, but some times i wonder if this one trait is making it harder for me to be a normal 20 something kid in school and not like a mother hen worrying about drunk driving or drug abuse. I hear my friends tell me about what they did at their college all the crazy red cup drinking games they played and i want to be abel to enjoy those too but then i have this voice in the back of my head saying "why do you want to act like a child?" i mean really!! why not! it seems fun! im worried i lost how to have fun and cant find it or am going to be a 30 year old lady one day say "kids be quiet" to peers of my own age. i said this in the beginning, i dont really know if anybody reads this at all. But if by chance you do. i have a question? am i thinking illogical? or am i being too childish for my own good?

First Semester Done.....

Started in this school back in August. In Upstate NY best idea yet right? so far i think so, i just finished taking my first final and i'm sweating bullets. Tomorrow is my math and then the last one on wednesday is english. You would think i would be umping for joy about how this semester flew by or how I made so many new friends, well sorry to say nope and nope. I spent my time studying for class,and hanging out with my friends who on the lucky side are working and not in school. some days i do wish i could just go tot work all day and not have to study at all. I don't know. Don't get me wrong i love the school and the teachers are great but being in this environment makes me think of it as just one big high school and i'm the transfer student who doesn't speak english. The ironic thing is that I'm a major extroverted type of person, maybe its the environment and how everybody here grew up or maybe its just that i don't want to really make any friends with these kids. either way all i really want to do is get through these finals pass all my classes and just finish school. But then the question is where do i go after this, do i get a job as a teacher here or do i move with my degree and get a teaching job somewhere else. either are ok i would prefer to move away form here not too far but far enough i guess. I have made great friends int his town and its super fun to go and hanging out with them. I have an awesome boyfriend who grew up here so i get a full tour of this place hahahaha and he's very well known as he is an artist. but still im here as a student and not much else its not an area i would want to plant roots in at all. Let alone have my kids go to school here and teach here. On the upside after my last final on wednesday i will be headed to Miami for the holidays and some much needed vacation. me and my mom on the beaches tanning and drinking by the pool! so exciting its the thing that is making me work so hard right now, not that i wouldn't be even if i wasn't going anywhere for the holidays. I was lucky enough growing up to have a super great education and support in traveling all over and experience so much. I would like to have something similar for my future but lets put that on the far back burner. For now i'm just trying to make it through this semester in one piece. Did i mention its snowing non stop and i have had to get snow tires for my car and i was strangely strangely excited for them....i think the country life style is getting to me.....i need my city life back!! College life is supossed to be exciting and a new adventure in ones life. To me it feels like im in high school and with the education standards pretty much the same as what i had in my school there. My English teacher told me that im a very prolific creative righter the other day. Not sure how i should feel about that. i mean i take it as a compliment in the fullist but does that mean i should go into the field of writing children's books? Do i really want to be a kindergarten teacher? I have way too many questions going on in my head. This stress is getting to me.

photos of my trip

A new chapter! of the never ending book that is Clare

Yes people you read that right, a new chapter in my life. Going back to school getting my associates in applied science for early childhood development. It only took me 3 and a half years to get back into the saddle of getting my life on track. oh well I'm excited. Moving out of NYC which will be sad because I love the city so much. But i am not moving that far away i can tell you. Jamestown NY! yes people it is the boonies of NY its not even Upstate i wouldn't classify it that way. I am 2 hours away from buffalo but something like 30 minutes away from Canada (just kidding but seriously its not that far away)! population around 50,000 people . oh and did i mention there is an Homage to Lucille ball (she was born there). New place to live new friends in a tiny town, but i get to work with kids! easiest job in the wold. I get to be a kid with kids all day. why didn't i think of this sooner!! oh well rather late than never right! The thing about this school, is its a community college, and most are pretty small looking and have maybe a few buildings but it has the feeling of a community college. Well people I have found the perfect medium of community and real college feel! Its the top SUNY school, has on campus housing that are 4 bedroom suite apartments fully furnished!! i mean really people. small classes, tutoring center. I mean as soon as i saw the school i was in love with it. Nervous and excited and anxious. oh did i mention its really cold and snows almost every week at lest twice! yeah SNOW. well going to look at apartments this week fingers crossed im not in a log cabin! Boonies here people. Crazy how this year has only just kinda got underway and im moving again and have a new adventure ahead! Packing up bags! 4 weeks and see yea NYC Hello Jamestown. Wish me Luck. Oh yeah i also just got back from Cambodia and Thailand Photos coming Sooon!

upcoming trip!!!

So i'm heading off to Thialand at the end of the month. So exciting. Its the whole family my mom,sister and her boyfriend. Hhmm...I have to make sure hes a good guy for her. Were going to temples,horse ride through local villages and looking at temples. So exciting.I am in desperate need of a vacation. Ive recently decided to go back to school,community college that is. School tours applications to fill out and class planning. What for you ask? Well I'm going to get my associates in early childhood education. To be a pre k teacher. Who knows I may go on to get a masters later. But the news is I'm moving out of NYC and to a new place. Another chapter of my life is about to start and I couldn't be more excited. On a whole different topc. Lets talk relationships. How do we build them and how do we make them work.its team work basically you put in what you get out of it. But what if your somebody who cant identify what you add to the relationship does that make you un lovable. Hell no it means you need to find yourself first before you can add yourself to another .. cause face it,if you don't know what you add to something then you don't truely know your self. Ok...but lets say you are secure in self confidence and you have a great job,family you had it all and now the perfect man or woman. Still you struggle with making it work. You are done with the honeymoon stage and onto the serious stuff. You met his siblings spent time with friends and they love you. So what's your next step...you talk about it! Yes people you need to talk with your partner about it. Now I'm not talking lets get married or move in here hell no not yet, but you do need to sit them down and say 'where do you see us going' but make it clear that your not putting pressure you both need to set a pace that you wanna be with eachother at and have an end goal. I find myself giving advice and consouling others in times of confusion and they take it and thank me for it. Yet when in my own life I apply it my endings aren't that happy. New place new home new relationships new life? I'm not changing me too much I hope. Well maybe I am but its not a bad thing. Oh it dawns on me I don't have any photos up hahaha that will change I swear. Nap time have a big trip tomorrow. Jamestown community tour oh boy!!this is school 2 and I haven't even scratched the surface. Did I mention I'm moving in march? No oh well then I need to get going on this! Oh HAPPY NEW YEAR :-)

Was this my breaking point?

So after having a very eventful week, that involved a hospital and small intervention type thing and family loss and family member just being around. i hit my breaking point? Work sucks, no good friends around to hang out wiht, dont have much money, and my landlords are ass holes.

Lets jsut say it, i have done a lot of things that are very reckless and harmful but im a teen kid growing up in a city now and trying to find myself. My life wasn't a tough one as some would say but it was emotionally draining, so many things running through my head and they hand me a bottle of pills that are supposed to help me be happy again, GREAT i thought finally i can know what that feels like. it was great for a while, then the pills wore off so i stopped taking them and i went to hell and back wiht not only withdrawal which i didn't know was a symptom but also my depression was a lot worse then when i started, lets just say, that a glass caem in handy. so then i decided to go out when i could and just un wind, this wasn't all the time and never really has been i would get home safe but every now and then i would be wiht friend never alone and have a great time, woke up fine and all. Im not sure if i ever was happy now, when i was on the pills was it happy or jsut a temporary blinder toe what ti really felt, cause ive never felt so alone and lost then i have lately.

I have a job yes, but do i love it no by far to none, what about my friends, i met them all through a bar and yes out side of that they are still suportive and great but i never really get tos ee them ouside of the bar scene i guess,

I watch people walk the streets of New York and i see them buy things like its nothing, will i ever have that luxury. OH and now i get to have my co works judge me oh joy like i need any more people in my life let alone girls how love to poke you and pry at you till they open a sore you are trying to heal. ha on the upside i have enough info on them to write a book, they can talk about much else but them selves.

Oh and being "sober" is not a term to call what i am doing or what is going on in my life its a term to define what others what to see in themselves. in my eyes im just trying to clear my head for a bitv and figure soemthing out in life.

yeah i will say i have covered up my own issues and never want to deal with them cause that make sm feel weak, and vulnerable. something im not use to ever. That doesn't make me a bad person, just different. something that i am use to.

I have been reading Augusten Burroughs new book the best thing to comfort me right now.