Marley and Me yeah the movie

so im watching marley and me and it reminds me of kip and how crazy of a cat he is. yeah i have cought him drinking out of the toilet. and chewing threw his cat food bag to be feed, and waking me up at 5:30- 7:30 am to be feed. he is a chatty kitty. and he likes to bite. and nibble on your toes. yeah hes the cat version of Marley. yeah Ive gotten really mad and no im not planning a family. but he has so many traits of a crazy animal. that i cant wait to see what crazy new things he will be doing.

now on to other news. i met a guy who lives in NJ and im going to hang out with him on the fourth of july. and we will see what happens. we've talked on the phone a lot and we have very normal and mature conversation hahaha weird huh. nah hes a great guy and im excited

Why do emotions run high!

so i got fired from my old job and found a new one the same day! i was proud of myself in accomplishing a simple task fast. but now i have to keep my job.

so i have recently signed up for a depression study and i will be perscibed a medication to take for a year. and i get paid for it as well, im not sure though when i start because i have to pass the urine sample. they say i have a tranquilizer in my system and i have to weight 48 hours before i give another sample. its weird...and a little scary....anyways if i pass i get a prescription of an anti depressant and take it to make me feel better.

i was diagnosed depressed a while back and now i wanna see after a couiple years what has changed ive never had much consulting since i was on meds and its numbing to me now.

i wanna learn more about what i can do to make myself feel better and have a better outlook.

so now that i have a great job and have a great stability for the moment and things are going well.

but weirdly this is the longest time i havent had a boyfriend. i mean i have a bunch of guys that are great friends of mine but nothing of a pure commitment. haha i know it sounds weird but i miss having a best friend that i can confide in and get comfort from. im alone in nyc anyways its kinda sad.

i have my friend emilies college friend here staying with me for a while which is nice to have company. and we are having a good time but its not the same. I try to be independant and on my own but i see couples walk around NY all happy and i dont have that and it makes me sad.

it's emphasis that i am alone and dont have soembody to be happy with.

times are changing

Times are actually changing and i dont mean the year the time on a clock. i mean me and my relationships with people family. In the past month or so i have had a huge realization i think, i find myself asking question about things i ususall would never say. like i wonder if all my issues are relally about my adoption. this is only an example but it is a big one that has been on my mind. as family seems to become more estranged to me i find myself lost in me. i cant figure out why i do what i do, is it my personality traits do i have a solid trait that defines me as Clare. or am i falling into the plain coloum of traits. where im a follower of who i am friends with who i talk to. do i copy people so i can try on a persona?

im moving apartments soon, im going to be 20 soon, im in a good relationship with my friend. its weird. a lot of things are changing. but at the same time. im in a stand still position. as for schooling, im officially all done and just getting ready to get my license as soon as possible. i am in the mean time just trying to find any work. Maybe now my life can really take off and i can find me.

when reality hits home! *bang*

today was a day filled with thoughts and future plans.a nd as i start to actually have to sit down and think about it. i realize that i dont wanna see reality yet. im happy in my little bubble being all safe and saine. or so i thought. some therapist will say, you need to face your demon's. that's true for me but when you cnat define what your demons are until you can define yourself. well that's a hell hole to deal with.

i haven't ever really faced me being adopted and maybe that's my fault. i was raised in a single mother family and in a mostly white community. does that define me? or did that hurt me? can i put blame on others, oh hells yes, but is it others fault? NO, at the end of the day its always my fault. i didn't deal with it sooner maybe i would be better.

there are some days when i try and see ok, this is what i wanna set my goal on. i see it and the path how, but i cnat even take the first step! its not that im not motivated. i am and i want to get there but something is holding me back from it.

i tremble when i sleep i hardly eat anymore, my body and sore and sick all the time. i dont know when it will end or how to end it......

in other news im moving out of my current place to a different one and smaller. step one, get a job step two....getting my foot out of the door? hard as hell

holidays and school mix well?!?

so i haven't posted in a while not that it would matter since i think nobody read this and its just become a vent blog for myself..... anyways. So lately i have been missing classes and not going to school other things came up or i was just too damn pissed off at the world to care about anything else. so now i owe my school 500$ for hours i didn't attend, and i may or may not graduate. i have a chance of termination and or failing in total. YAY not to mention next week is the Christmas holiday and my whole family is coming and i get to tell them how i failed at school and how i just fail at life in general. oh did i mention i have a b/f now that my mother HATES! yeah that's an added bonus. 19 years old cant date who i want and have my mom up my ass about everything i fall on. so im not perfect i dont have to be! god dammit i hate being controlled by my mom. yeah she gives me money while im in school i understand but at the same time im legally an adult and dont need to have set rules. it just is an unbalance to me i see. i cant find where i am as a child or an adult im torn there's no defined line. any ways

so next week its Christmas and all the money and presents i get will be going towards me graduating school on time. YEP i may have to return my presents to get money that i need to pay for school WOW thats real depressing!!! FML (FUCK MY LIFE)

yeah i know i got myself into this and i have to get myself out and shit, i just don't know if i wanna be a hairdresser anymore. i tell my mother this and she gets all pissy cause i still dont knwo what i wanna do at all. it snot like i dont have skills. I do, just nothing that i love! and the only things i love is photography and its hard to make a career out of that as my mom put it and that i would rather put myself towards something that i can actually make an income on. GREAT!! crushing my dream and my love so that i cant find anything else pleasurable. now some of these thing she may not say right off but in my ears that the way i hear them there for the way I perseve her comments (yeah i cant spell..)

anyways now the b/f situation, well hes an interesting character. although i like and all that good stuff there are things that i do not like that he does. he annoys me with his persistent video game playing. now i have dated men who have played video games b4 no biggie but for this guy its an addiction! i have no idea what to do. i mean hes a great guy funny i like hanging out with him when hes not near a computer! but then he doesnt always call me (hes in CT) he also doesnt haveva job currently. its just a very weird circumstance for this relationship. but at the same time its the only thing thats keeping me happy or should i say balanced in the reality world. i have no idea where my life is heading these days. i haven't looked for a job yet ( i should get on that huh?) i am still acting like this is my summer cause i dont have school all the time. (6 days a week now tho). i cant find any joy in anything i do. and it kills me!

I dont blame my mom for any of this, you have to understand i love my mother because she gives me opportunities in the world and let me see the world! i could never thank her enough for that.
i blame myself, Ive never been happy im always worried and i take my meds but they make me feel no pain and no happiness weather so i stop, i self medicate sometimes just to take the edge off and its been good until it got me in trouble, and now i have no way to cope with my sadness fear anxiety or anything else i feel that hurts.

Im done venting for tonight, maybe il actually get to sleep soundly.....shoudl i stay optimistic?

rainy weekends

So this past weekend made my week to say the least. Last week at school was super busy started my home stretch class called gamma, so I'm 2 months from graduation. The first week was crazy with clients and demo's from teachers. So when rainy saturday came I was happy to walk home in it. I love the rain so much. So I fell asleep really fast. Woke up sunday at about 12 pm and realized I had to get supplies, but it was raining so I decided to work on school work and then see some friends at the corner bar. The football games were on everybosy was there. Its a social thing but the rain made it better. Went home late because the bar tenders band was playing at 7 so I stayed to watch them play it was his birthday, on monday. So today I woke up late again at about 1pm. Its my weekend I deserve to rest after a week of being with 35 older women. So I did some more school work in bed watched tv got some food, and rested I ran some laundry over to the dry cleaners, played with my kitty, who has surprisingly mellowed out. And then watched tv and napped with my kitty. Emailed my mom, and not I miss my mommy I don't see her much or my grandma. This weekend was great, sadly tomorrow I have school again and my week begins with 25 older hormonal women and 1 gay man. Oh the irony I here all day in conversations could be made into books. My cat just jumped in my lap. I guess its time for golden girls and sleep. ( I always end with golden girls, it kinda prepares me for tuesdays). Tomorrow will be interesting and a mad dash for saturday to come. Good night.

5 months in and 4 months to go

In the past couple months, I've been working really hard trying to pass my classes and test meet all the teachers requirements as well as work on cutting hair consultation and have happy clients and good blends. Phhew!! Now I'm half way through my classes, and soon getting a new roomate and on a budget . I've grown up a lot I clean now and almost feel like my mom. The other day I was yelling at my boy friend to put his dishes in the dishwasher. Hahaha I never thought at the age of 19 I would ever say that. TO MY BOYFRIEND!! It was soo silly. I find myself repairing things around my place and just being like a little mom with my kid being my cat! I've also had to balance the relationship and school as well as my family. But I've been so lucky with a great boyfriend who's sweet and so understanding. A mother who is always willing to help me. And my kitty to keep me company when I'm home alone he's the best thing to have around.


I'm trying to get back into hobbies like photography and get a yoga membership. Its in the works. As well as getting a job but I have a good idea on that.


I'm excited to see what's next for me in the big city and in the work world. The options are endless and I'm willing to try them all if I haven't already!!!