photos of my trip

A new chapter! of the never ending book that is Clare

Yes people you read that right, a new chapter in my life. Going back to school getting my associates in applied science for early childhood development. It only took me 3 and a half years to get back into the saddle of getting my life on track. oh well I'm excited. Moving out of NYC which will be sad because I love the city so much. But i am not moving that far away i can tell you. Jamestown NY! yes people it is the boonies of NY its not even Upstate i wouldn't classify it that way. I am 2 hours away from buffalo but something like 30 minutes away from Canada (just kidding but seriously its not that far away)! population around 50,000 people . oh and did i mention there is an Homage to Lucille ball (she was born there). New place to live new friends in a tiny town, but i get to work with kids! easiest job in the wold. I get to be a kid with kids all day. why didn't i think of this sooner!! oh well rather late than never right! The thing about this school, is its a community college, and most are pretty small looking and have maybe a few buildings but it has the feeling of a community college. Well people I have found the perfect medium of community and real college feel! Its the top SUNY school, has on campus housing that are 4 bedroom suite apartments fully furnished!! i mean really people. small classes, tutoring center. I mean as soon as i saw the school i was in love with it. Nervous and excited and anxious. oh did i mention its really cold and snows almost every week at lest twice! yeah SNOW. well going to look at apartments this week fingers crossed im not in a log cabin! Boonies here people. Crazy how this year has only just kinda got underway and im moving again and have a new adventure ahead! Packing up bags! 4 weeks and see yea NYC Hello Jamestown. Wish me Luck. Oh yeah i also just got back from Cambodia and Thailand Photos coming Sooon!

upcoming trip!!!

So i'm heading off to Thialand at the end of the month. So exciting. Its the whole family my mom,sister and her boyfriend. Hhmm...I have to make sure hes a good guy for her. Were going to temples,horse ride through local villages and looking at temples. So exciting.I am in desperate need of a vacation. Ive recently decided to go back to school,community college that is. School tours applications to fill out and class planning. What for you ask? Well I'm going to get my associates in early childhood education. To be a pre k teacher. Who knows I may go on to get a masters later. But the news is I'm moving out of NYC and to a new place. Another chapter of my life is about to start and I couldn't be more excited. On a whole different topc. Lets talk relationships. How do we build them and how do we make them work.its team work basically you put in what you get out of it. But what if your somebody who cant identify what you add to the relationship does that make you un lovable. Hell no it means you need to find yourself first before you can add yourself to another .. cause face it,if you don't know what you add to something then you don't truely know your self. Ok...but lets say you are secure in self confidence and you have a great job,family you had it all and now the perfect man or woman. Still you struggle with making it work. You are done with the honeymoon stage and onto the serious stuff. You met his siblings spent time with friends and they love you. So what's your next step...you talk about it! Yes people you need to talk with your partner about it. Now I'm not talking lets get married or move in here hell no not yet, but you do need to sit them down and say 'where do you see us going' but make it clear that your not putting pressure you both need to set a pace that you wanna be with eachother at and have an end goal. I find myself giving advice and consouling others in times of confusion and they take it and thank me for it. Yet when in my own life I apply it my endings aren't that happy. New place new home new relationships new life? I'm not changing me too much I hope. Well maybe I am but its not a bad thing. Oh it dawns on me I don't have any photos up hahaha that will change I swear. Nap time have a big trip tomorrow. Jamestown community tour oh boy!!this is school 2 and I haven't even scratched the surface. Did I mention I'm moving in march? No oh well then I need to get going on this! Oh HAPPY NEW YEAR :-)

Was this my breaking point?

So after having a very eventful week, that involved a hospital and small intervention type thing and family loss and family member just being around. i hit my breaking point? Work sucks, no good friends around to hang out wiht, dont have much money, and my landlords are ass holes.

Lets jsut say it, i have done a lot of things that are very reckless and harmful but im a teen kid growing up in a city now and trying to find myself. My life wasn't a tough one as some would say but it was emotionally draining, so many things running through my head and they hand me a bottle of pills that are supposed to help me be happy again, GREAT i thought finally i can know what that feels like. it was great for a while, then the pills wore off so i stopped taking them and i went to hell and back wiht not only withdrawal which i didn't know was a symptom but also my depression was a lot worse then when i started, lets just say, that a glass caem in handy. so then i decided to go out when i could and just un wind, this wasn't all the time and never really has been i would get home safe but every now and then i would be wiht friend never alone and have a great time, woke up fine and all. Im not sure if i ever was happy now, when i was on the pills was it happy or jsut a temporary blinder toe what ti really felt, cause ive never felt so alone and lost then i have lately.

I have a job yes, but do i love it no by far to none, what about my friends, i met them all through a bar and yes out side of that they are still suportive and great but i never really get tos ee them ouside of the bar scene i guess,

I watch people walk the streets of New York and i see them buy things like its nothing, will i ever have that luxury. OH and now i get to have my co works judge me oh joy like i need any more people in my life let alone girls how love to poke you and pry at you till they open a sore you are trying to heal. ha on the upside i have enough info on them to write a book, they can talk about much else but them selves.

Oh and being "sober" is not a term to call what i am doing or what is going on in my life its a term to define what others what to see in themselves. in my eyes im just trying to clear my head for a bitv and figure soemthing out in life.

yeah i will say i have covered up my own issues and never want to deal with them cause that make sm feel weak, and vulnerable. something im not use to ever. That doesn't make me a bad person, just different. something that i am use to.

I have been reading Augusten Burroughs new book the best thing to comfort me right now.

How Do You Say Goodbye....

When i found out my grandmother had cancer, i was upset and didn't want her to have to go in that way, with pain or treatment. My mother todl me they weren't going to do anything and that they just wanted to make her as comfortable as they could. I was in great relief. There are so many things that my grandmother had done for me. she took me for a tiem in the summer at her place in Texas let me eat corn dogs for 2 weeks straight when i saw her, went to pick apple on trees in the yard. Sat on a swinging bench in the front of her house. she told me stories tha ti cant recal now, but as a child i thought the world of them. as a tiny glimpse into what she was like as a child my age or what fund adventures she did. I would sneek gum away from my grandfather cause i wasn't allowed to have any back then. i would rummage through all her drawers and play with the cats. Go swimming with her at her water aerobics class. All of these3 great memories and now she can barely remember my name or who any of her own kids are....How are you supposed to say goodbye, when you have already said it many times over. All i can do now is remember her how she was when she was younger adn i was too also how she use to tell me that no matter what she would always love me.

My grandmother and my mother both have told me about how it was growing up, what they use to do for fun back int eh day. Back then to me seems alot simpler than it is these days and some part of me wishes i was living back then to see and experience the simplicity and the relaxed days in a way. For me this era is a huge change and all the technology we have makes life a lot harder and less memories to be had, cause everybody is on a phone or a tablet no face to face time. we are all glued to computers or tvs or tablets. what ever the case we don't see each other face to face and see the small things in each other that we use to. I always say this but i was born in the wrong era.

To know yourself

When some are lost they find a person of guidance.  But when your on your own in the world and don't want to talk to anybody you are introverted so who do u talk to then?

The things that label you

Hey, look there are a bunch of great people in the world.   My grandmother is one of the best. Do all of her kids know that.... who knows.  What I do know is I and my mother love her and are caring for her in her last moments.  Her other kids don't give a rats ass! I wanna scream at them all when I see them. But that's only a tip. Of my iceberg
.I had seen this guy for 2 months and all of a sudden he doesn't talks to me. And when. He does. He is drunk.  Am i only manageable as they are drunk
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