Was this my breaking point?

So after having a very eventful week, that involved a hospital and small intervention type thing and family loss and family member just being around. i hit my breaking point? Work sucks, no good friends around to hang out wiht, dont have much money, and my landlords are ass holes.

Lets jsut say it, i have done a lot of things that are very reckless and harmful but im a teen kid growing up in a city now and trying to find myself. My life wasn't a tough one as some would say but it was emotionally draining, so many things running through my head and they hand me a bottle of pills that are supposed to help me be happy again, GREAT i thought finally i can know what that feels like. it was great for a while, then the pills wore off so i stopped taking them and i went to hell and back wiht not only withdrawal which i didn't know was a symptom but also my depression was a lot worse then when i started, lets just say, that a glass caem in handy. so then i decided to go out when i could and just un wind, this wasn't all the time and never really has been i would get home safe but every now and then i would be wiht friend never alone and have a great time, woke up fine and all. Im not sure if i ever was happy now, when i was on the pills was it happy or jsut a temporary blinder toe what ti really felt, cause ive never felt so alone and lost then i have lately.

I have a job yes, but do i love it no by far to none, what about my friends, i met them all through a bar and yes out side of that they are still suportive and great but i never really get tos ee them ouside of the bar scene i guess,

I watch people walk the streets of New York and i see them buy things like its nothing, will i ever have that luxury. OH and now i get to have my co works judge me oh joy like i need any more people in my life let alone girls how love to poke you and pry at you till they open a sore you are trying to heal. ha on the upside i have enough info on them to write a book, they can talk about much else but them selves.

Oh and being "sober" is not a term to call what i am doing or what is going on in my life its a term to define what others what to see in themselves. in my eyes im just trying to clear my head for a bitv and figure soemthing out in life.

yeah i will say i have covered up my own issues and never want to deal with them cause that make sm feel weak, and vulnerable. something im not use to ever. That doesn't make me a bad person, just different. something that i am use to.

I have been reading Augusten Burroughs new book the best thing to comfort me right now.

How Do You Say Goodbye....

When i found out my grandmother had cancer, i was upset and didn't want her to have to go in that way, with pain or treatment. My mother todl me they weren't going to do anything and that they just wanted to make her as comfortable as they could. I was in great relief. There are so many things that my grandmother had done for me. she took me for a tiem in the summer at her place in Texas let me eat corn dogs for 2 weeks straight when i saw her, went to pick apple on trees in the yard. Sat on a swinging bench in the front of her house. she told me stories tha ti cant recal now, but as a child i thought the world of them. as a tiny glimpse into what she was like as a child my age or what fund adventures she did. I would sneek gum away from my grandfather cause i wasn't allowed to have any back then. i would rummage through all her drawers and play with the cats. Go swimming with her at her water aerobics class. All of these3 great memories and now she can barely remember my name or who any of her own kids are....How are you supposed to say goodbye, when you have already said it many times over. All i can do now is remember her how she was when she was younger adn i was too also how she use to tell me that no matter what she would always love me.

My grandmother and my mother both have told me about how it was growing up, what they use to do for fun back int eh day. Back then to me seems alot simpler than it is these days and some part of me wishes i was living back then to see and experience the simplicity and the relaxed days in a way. For me this era is a huge change and all the technology we have makes life a lot harder and less memories to be had, cause everybody is on a phone or a tablet no face to face time. we are all glued to computers or tvs or tablets. what ever the case we don't see each other face to face and see the small things in each other that we use to. I always say this but i was born in the wrong era.