What I do when I get lost.

When I feel that I have hit a brick wall in life, as so many of us have. I used to just throw my arms up in the air and say FUCK IT ALL! Or i would just up and move. I thought a fresh start maybe will do the trick. Or stop taking me meds clear out my thoughts. The first time i moved was NYC, i was going to cosmetology school and found a few jobs and then i got fired or i quiet, then i moved to Jamestown,NY and i decided to go to school for a degree in education to become a teacher, well that didn't work out either, i was doing ok grade wise, but i just stopped going, i was getting over whelmed the teachers weren't helping and i just quiet. I was so confused, the thoughts would not stop flooding my head "you just cant stay focused on anything can you?" "will you ever have a real future and stable income?" "Your not good enough for this, you don't get it." "why me why now why why why?!" i was so used to hearing these voices at one point i told myself that they were not to be seen as negative but as a push to try something new, and it worked for a time. Then reality hit me in the face, i couldn't pay my rent, i kept getting fired from jobs, my boyfriend was struggling with work, i had to rely on my parent for financial help, i felt like a kid again. I hated my self because i had gotten to this point, my b/f started to worry about me more and i started to feel uncomfortable doing normal things like grocery shopping.I literally slapped myself the next day and told myself to see all of this as good support, both from my family and b/f and move forward with life so the stop taking pills apparently was part of that plan. (not suggested) Then my b/f told me about funerals we needed to attend, they were close together. So we were going to those and they were tough. But when we came back something changed, he was working more which was great, i was trying to put money aside for bills and what not. I am not great at budgeting, since i am very impulsive so this was yet again another struggle. Soon he started asking me about what i wanted to do with my life and what i was going to do for work to provided for a family. Well none of that helped my anxiety, I didn't react all that well "fuck this is new..."; I had never really thought about any of this before, it never seemed an option in my previous relationships. But now i had this amazing man before me who was telling me how he wanted to have kids with me, talking about where we could live, and how he was thinking of marrying me. Now any other girl would have probably been over the moon to hear this from their significant other and i can see why. All i could think was, "have i really hit that mile stone?"and "is this really what i want?" and "why in the hell now!" Not too long after all this unfolded we hit the rough patch, he moved out of the house got engulfed in his work, i hardly saw him or new what he was doing. All because i couldn't give him the answer he wanted. I was left to think "this is all my fault." and down the rabbit hole i went. We tried to work through this, but nothing ever was resolved so it ended. I was lost again. My head felt like it was coming unscrewed from my shoulders and i was just barely keeping it on. I had to change!so I started to go back on my pills and tried to stabilize my symptoms and issues, i tried to talk to people i knew and get feedback or just to vent and they seemed alarmed. not that i was talking to them about these issues, but that i was having such thoughts of darkness. My friends were nice and tried to be supportive but not sure how to be and i didn't know either so we fell out of touch. I felt so alone and so worried for myself, i knew i had some issues, anxiety, depression, impulsiveness and attention issues but things seemed to get worse. I started to not even want to leave the house. It seemed like the walls i was up against were so big that they were closing in on me, I had lost so many different jobs, then my b/f left. my mental state was getting worse, suicidal thoughts kept popping in my head that scared the crap out of me. Nobody tells you this, when your having issues and you talk to your doctors. But apparently getting mis diagnosed is very common. I apparently may have another issue coming into play but they were not sure so in the mean time they tried to help by saying"lets up the dosage." or "try getting out more." <-- that one is my favorite! I understand they are doctors and have a responsibility to their patients so i tried telling them that neither of those things seemed to work for me and that i was starting to scare myself, they then suggested the crisis hotline. So i called once, it helped at that moment but that was all, a momentary salvation from myself. Now don't read that wrong i'm not saying the hotlines are bad, it is probably the best help out there for anybody with such issues. (please if you have dark thoughts and need help look up your local crisis hotline, they will and can help. Know you are not alone and it will be ok!). So i got through the call i was feeling better for a few days. Now this is not that uncommon, to get to a point were we feel ok things seem to be brighter and shiny again. It is a constant battle everyday to keep that mental state. i still didn't know what i wanted but i knew that this was not all life had to offer me. So I moved, again. Healthy choice? maybe not so much BUT my family had stepped in and told me i needed to make a drastic change to my life, get more help than what i had. i agreed and started packing, i moved to Maryland where i am now and am back in therapy, i changed my doctor back home and was being monitored closely. I am enrolled in a program here that helps adults who struggle with finding a job and keeping one. (ding ding me to a tee!) i'm back getting help, like real help, all good but i am still lost. This time with direction, i moved out of the town i was in and am living here temporarily. Their is an end to this program, and after it ends will i really be any closer to finding this job/career. Will i know what i want to get out of life? So guess what im doing after this!.....Packing up my car taking my two awesome pups, and hitting the road to go west and see national parks and camp! Very scary for me because i have never really camped, like build a fire and cook my food over said fire. yeah im a noob and this will be my first test!! This trip has actually made dealing with the end of this program less daunting and intimidating because i have a small plan in place and have a next step, and i will have time to really meditate on my thoughts. Please i hope this helped somebody even if it one person who reads this, to know that we all hit a wall and feel so alone and trapped by our situations that nothing can help ever. This is not the case, even if you don't have mental health issues, i encourage anybody to reach out to a hotline in your area and just talk to who ever is on the other end. They may not have all the answers but they can direct you where to find them and give you good feed back on your situations. Really it will be ok this is not just for certain people, it can be used by anybody and everybody. "Don't worry, be happy"<- Bobby McFerrin he got it!