work and more work rite!

so i have started a new job back in the beginning of august i guess. im an assistant at a salon that is less than ten blocks from where i live now! its great. but its hard work. ive been doing well so far i work really hard and i love the staff but every now and then we have drama in the building. i mean its kind of inevitable when you work with a female dominated salon.

my schedule is Monday, Wednesday through Saturday. also on Tuesday i have an educational class in the am. but i normally work 10-8 . so long days.

but things are doing well. just non stop busy and trying to keep a social life in the big city is not easy lol especially after a ten hour shift! i end up coming home to the cat and just vegging out on the couch till 3 am and then i sleep and repeat.

nothings new other wise. same old clare trying to keep things in order and not go craZy.

Marley and Me yeah the movie

so im watching marley and me and it reminds me of kip and how crazy of a cat he is. yeah i have cought him drinking out of the toilet. and chewing threw his cat food bag to be feed, and waking me up at 5:30- 7:30 am to be feed. he is a chatty kitty. and he likes to bite. and nibble on your toes. yeah hes the cat version of Marley. yeah Ive gotten really mad and no im not planning a family. but he has so many traits of a crazy animal. that i cant wait to see what crazy new things he will be doing.

now on to other news. i met a guy who lives in NJ and im going to hang out with him on the fourth of july. and we will see what happens. we've talked on the phone a lot and we have very normal and mature conversation hahaha weird huh. nah hes a great guy and im excited

Why do emotions run high!

so i got fired from my old job and found a new one the same day! i was proud of myself in accomplishing a simple task fast. but now i have to keep my job.

so i have recently signed up for a depression study and i will be perscibed a medication to take for a year. and i get paid for it as well, im not sure though when i start because i have to pass the urine sample. they say i have a tranquilizer in my system and i have to weight 48 hours before i give another sample. its weird...and a little scary....anyways if i pass i get a prescription of an anti depressant and take it to make me feel better.

i was diagnosed depressed a while back and now i wanna see after a couiple years what has changed ive never had much consulting since i was on meds and its numbing to me now.

i wanna learn more about what i can do to make myself feel better and have a better outlook.

so now that i have a great job and have a great stability for the moment and things are going well.

but weirdly this is the longest time i havent had a boyfriend. i mean i have a bunch of guys that are great friends of mine but nothing of a pure commitment. haha i know it sounds weird but i miss having a best friend that i can confide in and get comfort from. im alone in nyc anyways its kinda sad.

i have my friend emilies college friend here staying with me for a while which is nice to have company. and we are having a good time but its not the same. I try to be independant and on my own but i see couples walk around NY all happy and i dont have that and it makes me sad.

it's emphasis that i am alone and dont have soembody to be happy with.

times are changing

Times are actually changing and i dont mean the year the time on a clock. i mean me and my relationships with people family. In the past month or so i have had a huge realization i think, i find myself asking question about things i ususall would never say. like i wonder if all my issues are relally about my adoption. this is only an example but it is a big one that has been on my mind. as family seems to become more estranged to me i find myself lost in me. i cant figure out why i do what i do, is it my personality traits do i have a solid trait that defines me as Clare. or am i falling into the plain coloum of traits. where im a follower of who i am friends with who i talk to. do i copy people so i can try on a persona?

im moving apartments soon, im going to be 20 soon, im in a good relationship with my friend. its weird. a lot of things are changing. but at the same time. im in a stand still position. as for schooling, im officially all done and just getting ready to get my license as soon as possible. i am in the mean time just trying to find any work. Maybe now my life can really take off and i can find me.

when reality hits home! *bang*

today was a day filled with thoughts and future plans.a nd as i start to actually have to sit down and think about it. i realize that i dont wanna see reality yet. im happy in my little bubble being all safe and saine. or so i thought. some therapist will say, you need to face your demon's. that's true for me but when you cnat define what your demons are until you can define yourself. well that's a hell hole to deal with.

i haven't ever really faced me being adopted and maybe that's my fault. i was raised in a single mother family and in a mostly white community. does that define me? or did that hurt me? can i put blame on others, oh hells yes, but is it others fault? NO, at the end of the day its always my fault. i didn't deal with it sooner maybe i would be better.

there are some days when i try and see ok, this is what i wanna set my goal on. i see it and the path how, but i cnat even take the first step! its not that im not motivated. i am and i want to get there but something is holding me back from it.

i tremble when i sleep i hardly eat anymore, my body and sore and sick all the time. i dont know when it will end or how to end it......

in other news im moving out of my current place to a different one and smaller. step one, get a job step two....getting my foot out of the door? hard as hell