today was a day filled with thoughts and future plans.a nd as i start to actually have to sit down and think about it. i realize that i dont wanna see reality yet. im happy in my little bubble being all safe and saine. or so i thought. some therapist will say, you need to face your demon's. that's true for me but when you cnat define what your demons are until you can define yourself. well that's a hell hole to deal with.
i haven't ever really faced me being adopted and maybe that's my fault. i was raised in a single mother family and in a mostly white community. does that define me? or did that hurt me? can i put blame on others, oh hells yes, but is it others fault? NO, at the end of the day its always my fault. i didn't deal with it sooner maybe i would be better.
there are some days when i try and see ok, this is what i wanna set my goal on. i see it and the path how, but i cnat even take the first step! its not that im not motivated. i am and i want to get there but something is holding me back from it.
i tremble when i sleep i hardly eat anymore, my body and sore and sick all the time. i dont know when it will end or how to end it......
in other news im moving out of my current place to a different one and smaller. step one, get a job step two....getting my foot out of the door? hard as hell
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