times are changing

Times are actually changing and i dont mean the year the time on a clock. i mean me and my relationships with people family. In the past month or so i have had a huge realization i think, i find myself asking question about things i ususall would never say. like i wonder if all my issues are relally about my adoption. this is only an example but it is a big one that has been on my mind. as family seems to become more estranged to me i find myself lost in me. i cant figure out why i do what i do, is it my personality traits do i have a solid trait that defines me as Clare. or am i falling into the plain coloum of traits. where im a follower of who i am friends with who i talk to. do i copy people so i can try on a persona?

im moving apartments soon, im going to be 20 soon, im in a good relationship with my friend. its weird. a lot of things are changing. but at the same time. im in a stand still position. as for schooling, im officially all done and just getting ready to get my license as soon as possible. i am in the mean time just trying to find any work. Maybe now my life can really take off and i can find me.

when reality hits home! *bang*

today was a day filled with thoughts and future plans.a nd as i start to actually have to sit down and think about it. i realize that i dont wanna see reality yet. im happy in my little bubble being all safe and saine. or so i thought. some therapist will say, you need to face your demon's. that's true for me but when you cnat define what your demons are until you can define yourself. well that's a hell hole to deal with.

i haven't ever really faced me being adopted and maybe that's my fault. i was raised in a single mother family and in a mostly white community. does that define me? or did that hurt me? can i put blame on others, oh hells yes, but is it others fault? NO, at the end of the day its always my fault. i didn't deal with it sooner maybe i would be better.

there are some days when i try and see ok, this is what i wanna set my goal on. i see it and the path how, but i cnat even take the first step! its not that im not motivated. i am and i want to get there but something is holding me back from it.

i tremble when i sleep i hardly eat anymore, my body and sore and sick all the time. i dont know when it will end or how to end it......

in other news im moving out of my current place to a different one and smaller. step one, get a job step two....getting my foot out of the door? hard as hell