Was this my breaking point?

So after having a very eventful week, that involved a hospital and small intervention type thing and family loss and family member just being around. i hit my breaking point? Work sucks, no good friends around to hang out wiht, dont have much money, and my landlords are ass holes.

Lets jsut say it, i have done a lot of things that are very reckless and harmful but im a teen kid growing up in a city now and trying to find myself. My life wasn't a tough one as some would say but it was emotionally draining, so many things running through my head and they hand me a bottle of pills that are supposed to help me be happy again, GREAT i thought finally i can know what that feels like. it was great for a while, then the pills wore off so i stopped taking them and i went to hell and back wiht not only withdrawal which i didn't know was a symptom but also my depression was a lot worse then when i started, lets just say, that a glass caem in handy. so then i decided to go out when i could and just un wind, this wasn't all the time and never really has been i would get home safe but every now and then i would be wiht friend never alone and have a great time, woke up fine and all. Im not sure if i ever was happy now, when i was on the pills was it happy or jsut a temporary blinder toe what ti really felt, cause ive never felt so alone and lost then i have lately.

I have a job yes, but do i love it no by far to none, what about my friends, i met them all through a bar and yes out side of that they are still suportive and great but i never really get tos ee them ouside of the bar scene i guess,

I watch people walk the streets of New York and i see them buy things like its nothing, will i ever have that luxury. OH and now i get to have my co works judge me oh joy like i need any more people in my life let alone girls how love to poke you and pry at you till they open a sore you are trying to heal. ha on the upside i have enough info on them to write a book, they can talk about much else but them selves.

Oh and being "sober" is not a term to call what i am doing or what is going on in my life its a term to define what others what to see in themselves. in my eyes im just trying to clear my head for a bitv and figure soemthing out in life.

yeah i will say i have covered up my own issues and never want to deal with them cause that make sm feel weak, and vulnerable. something im not use to ever. That doesn't make me a bad person, just different. something that i am use to.

I have been reading Augusten Burroughs new book the best thing to comfort me right now.

How Do You Say Goodbye....

When i found out my grandmother had cancer, i was upset and didn't want her to have to go in that way, with pain or treatment. My mother todl me they weren't going to do anything and that they just wanted to make her as comfortable as they could. I was in great relief. There are so many things that my grandmother had done for me. she took me for a tiem in the summer at her place in Texas let me eat corn dogs for 2 weeks straight when i saw her, went to pick apple on trees in the yard. Sat on a swinging bench in the front of her house. she told me stories tha ti cant recal now, but as a child i thought the world of them. as a tiny glimpse into what she was like as a child my age or what fund adventures she did. I would sneek gum away from my grandfather cause i wasn't allowed to have any back then. i would rummage through all her drawers and play with the cats. Go swimming with her at her water aerobics class. All of these3 great memories and now she can barely remember my name or who any of her own kids are....How are you supposed to say goodbye, when you have already said it many times over. All i can do now is remember her how she was when she was younger adn i was too also how she use to tell me that no matter what she would always love me.

My grandmother and my mother both have told me about how it was growing up, what they use to do for fun back int eh day. Back then to me seems alot simpler than it is these days and some part of me wishes i was living back then to see and experience the simplicity and the relaxed days in a way. For me this era is a huge change and all the technology we have makes life a lot harder and less memories to be had, cause everybody is on a phone or a tablet no face to face time. we are all glued to computers or tvs or tablets. what ever the case we don't see each other face to face and see the small things in each other that we use to. I always say this but i was born in the wrong era.

To know yourself

When some are lost they find a person of guidance.  But when your on your own in the world and don't want to talk to anybody you are introverted so who do u talk to then?

The things that label you

Hey, look there are a bunch of great people in the world.   My grandmother is one of the best. Do all of her kids know that.... who knows.  What I do know is I and my mother love her and are caring for her in her last moments.  Her other kids don't give a rats ass! I wanna scream at them all when I see them. But that's only a tip. Of my iceberg
.I had seen this guy for 2 months and all of a sudden he doesn't talks to me. And when. He does. He is drunk.  Am i only manageable as they are drunk
...

True purpose

So if you have never heard of the invisible children you need to look it up. Not that anybody reads this....

I met a woman who turned 78 and is super happy. So do I get to be there.  People say you make your own future I just want my future to be great and exciting.  No war No anger.

If she is as happy as she is today. Can't I be

The days i spend alone

Everyone has a day that they spend to themselves and just reflect on there week, month,year. What they have accomplished And how they want to move forward.

These days are important.  It can help you understand your self better and why you make choices. 

We all know Valentine's day is coming up and we want to be happy and in love.  I could say this "holiday" is all corporate and blown way out of proportion. But that sounds kind of a downer right.

We should have a great day and be happy and feel loved.  Go out to dinner or a good movie. Not a chick flick (ladies), let's Not put our men through a tear jerker and hope that guys pick up on the not so subtle gestures made by the main male actor.

No instead you should see a movie that you both wanna see,.and laugh together not cry.it's funny that women still need to be reminded on what guys don't want.

sooo much free time.

I think i have way to much time on my hands. after getting let go from my job ive beent rying to get babysitting job and job. and yeah its good for the moment but i would rather have a full time job that i could enjoy and could still have fun as a young girl living in the city. nothing like the show sex int he city trust me im not that type of girl or have that many girl friends.

in actuality i am so free and open minded. but a broke girl in the city counting her change int he drawer to see if she can buy bottle of body wash. or even being able to eat a meal. there are alot of job jsut laying off poeple the economy sucks and the only skill is to do hair. but does that make me any less capable to be a receptionist assistant w/e. nope but people judge by the skills you have on paper and not in the head. if a personal resume is a paper than i wanna challenge that. people with tattoos all over get judged on looks but there are soo many smart people who have tattoos. they have bachelor degrees w.e and they cant get a job cause of there looks. but a dumb blonde who has no brains but looks to bring in a crowd to a bar can get the job on the spot! society now a days is so ass backwards and its been like this for a while but it gets worse and worse each year.

from previous work experience. i have handled bitches who think they know it all on a calm and level head. those people who others would rather not handle they gave them to me to keep company in a salon. people skills check.

i also handled people who are ill and disabled. nothing you could throw at me would make me cringe or say no. others well they would say hey clare can you take that client for so and so cause i don't wanna deal with them today. i always say yes, make sure things are in order and things run smoothly.

so you take that kind of skill but if i were to put hta ton my resume people would read it as too much or an over achiever. paper is dispossable and peopel dont care what happends to it after you put it in that trash just like people.

when did people start throwing others away like paper. have we really become so disposable that soon we our selves will need to be recycled and saved. well that just sounds dirty!

oh well that's a thought to ponder. right now im gunna play with my puppy and kitty and try to capture adorable cute moments to put on face book and share how awesome they are. oh and talk to my new amazing boyfriend. sex and city marathon is good. lol

you gotta love new york!

Back in the day.....

Even after high school I would have never thought that I would live in NYC on my own, have great friends and be doing my thing. But back when I was stuck in a room with desks all lined up in a square and a teacher reading a page in a book, about something I was suposse to have read..before all of that happen. I was in middle school,  I was a little girl just happy to be going back to a public school. System. Strange right.  After boarding school, all I wanted at that time was to be home and with the friends I grew up with. In hopes that they hadn't forgotten me, since I was never very good at keeping in touch. 

And then once I got back into high school like a normal girl would. I could not wait to get out. I tried everything to get put of school, classes.  I was a good kid but was never able to sit long enough to Have the information put into my head. I wanted to be free.  Reason. Being cause I thought well, I'm not going to college why sit in high school. Anymore.

Well after I graduated I was finally able to let go. Not really.  I was ready for summer jobs and summer relaxation to begin. But my mother had other plans.

So after a long trip and fighting I moved out of small town Madison and to the big city. Like in the movies I thought haha. Nope it was to more school to more training.  Again more fighting to be free.

Now that I am. And I'm happy. I wanna have something solid....am I too young to think that way.